Hardly a unique and special snowflake, as anyone will tell you. I’m a strange blend of insecurity and self righteousness, which, I have found over the years, makes me unagreeable to most (if not all). Ideally I would like to meet a 20 something year old Christopher Hitchens, minus the misogyny. But a man isn’t a completion, not a hole to fill. This is also something I’ve found over the years. Both women and men constantly disappoint me. I don’t know if my expectations are too high or their standards are too low. The trick is finding out how to successfully operate in an increasingly frustrating world. I’ve had a hard life, but then again, who hasn’t. As I look back on my past, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that all I want to do is help people-more specifically, save people. I should be bitter and not trust a single soul, but that would be weak, and I must say, I am the farthest thing from it. Science saved me and is also my downfall. I think I would like to be a doctor, but I really don’t know.  I want to explore and learn and discover. I have a drive for very few things; a strong apathy that is a direct result from past events.  To remain independent and to continue my quest for knowledge seems to be all that’s left = and all that’s still right within my world. My poor work ethic, and fears of intellectual and creative incompetency, have led me to settle for Biology and Psychology studies, though I know I could do so much more. I admire the scientists, professors-people in these fields, and this is not a slight against them, but against myself. I’m a screwed up kid trying to help everyone else’s problems but my own. Odd, I know. But despite what other people say, it is fulfilling in a mysterious sort of way. And it really is a mystery, perhaps one I may (never) help to solve. I went through a Kurt Cobain phase, one which I may fall back into one of these days. Right now, however, I’d like to sit in my car and listen to The Wall from beginning to end. All 81 minutes, consecutively. If all else fails, maybe I’ll become a semiprofessional poker player. Dare to dream. Down and out.

(Source: neverlookbackinregret)